Malevolent Tuesdays

I swear, if this kind of shit life's been throwing at me continues, I don't know how much longer I can take it. I wake up to a lake outside my bedroom door (water heater imploded) and I end it being stuck in a loop of self-hate and woe. I want to say it was okay in the middle, but that was really forced joy. I'm still so fearful of scaring away the couple of relationships I've managed to build up in my time here in the barren wasteland that is this town. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I just... I need to be shown what I'm supposed to do with my life. And I really hope I can have my own success, however tiny it may be. I don't want to be the other fraction of someone else's. I would really like to be able to do something, that makes me feel good and full of purpose. Like I changed the world for the better. Even if it's miniscule. Just... One thing I can call my own. One thing... One... 


I have a secret. And it's this:
I'm scared to become suicidal.
It seems to be whispering to me, and I'm terrified.
I want somebody to tell me that it's never going to come to that, because I have them to catch me.
And I'm not talking about god. Society... I'm talking to you.


*Sigh*... I'm lonely. That's the minor emotion of tonight, by the way.
I'm not going to delve into that. 
I don't feel like talking about it...


This is a good place to complain about things.
I highly recommend it. 


Post Script:
Remind myself to talk about that other thing sooner or later.

Day Too Soon

I'm having one of those moments right now, where you need someone to sympathise with you, so I'm reaching out to the internet.

I... am terrified of things to come. I don't know what I want to do with myself. I don't know how I should contribute to society. I feel like the only thing I'm suited to do is sit behind a desk in a monotone office. I don't want to do that... I want to be able to make wonderful things and have people enjoy them, but I haven't had a creative thought in like a fortnight and I feel like I'm never going to get one again. I don't know what do to... There is so much more that is upsetting me, but I want to keep it to myself for now...

I am deeply bothered.

Okay, I'll start.

Holy Shit
I'm sick of being a good friend.
I feel like I am constantly being poked at by other people. I'm just so flustered right now I can't get anything out. The past week has just been a constant show. I've been entertaining people, and trying to fix their sad little lives. I mean, I wouldn't mind doing this sometimes, but it's just problem after problem. But I'm scared that if I stop being so compassionate toward people, I won't have any left. They will leave because I don't serve a purpose to them. I don't know. I'm in a predicament.
I need to be a little less caring maybe.
Yeah.
I need to be more selfish.
Yeah.
I'm going to be a little more selfish.
It might do me some good.


I thought I had more, but I guess I don't.
Actually, I made some shit over spring break.
I will post pictures later because it is some cook shit.

But she... only sleeps, with me.

I knew I had that song on my computer.
I'm not completely... forgetful.
I guess.
That sentence came out weird.
I should've started it differently.
That's not even the point I was trying to get across.

Okay, I'm so pissed.
I was looking up herbal cigarettes, and they all have tar in them.
And that's what I"m trying to get away from.
So... that's dumb.
I'm just going to smoke tea leaves or something.
I read this blog, and this chick did that, and she's still posting, so...
And I'll use organic.
But, smoking totally appeals to me.
Just not conventional cigarettes.
Those are bad.
Anyway...

I was out dancing in my secret place, and this really attractive guy was totally hitting on me.
I gave him my number.
It was amazing.
He's like, two years older than me, but that appeals to me.
Younger men are disgusting.

I have found a new friend!
It's great.
She is so weird.
We were eating lunch together today in my cubicle, and we reminisced about how we stole things as young children, and we talked about shampoo.
It was really fun.

I have more, but I'm going to stop there.
Sorry, no extra digital content.

I am fantastic.

Ow!
I'm in pain.
Someone is hitting me with a thing.
It hurts so bad.
I'm going to bruise.

This is crap.

Fuck it.

I hate everybody.

The end.

My thing was awful.

My butt hurts.

I had to sit on a plastic slab for like, two hours.

It was so awful.

Oh, I was looking at this thing, and I thought that Eric--you know, Eric--was going to come up here, but it looks like not.

I wanted to be like, "Look, I'm still desirable to you. Ha ha! You can't have me!"

And that would've been awesome.

He is such a bigot.

But he can't help it.

I have mixed feelings about the situation.

Mmm...

My brain is... broken.

It needs to be fixed.

I'm so proud of myself though.

Today, I went beyond my comfort zone.

Even thought I probably shouldn't have, but I still did it.

Yeah...

Go myself.

I need to get some Cherry ChapStick.

Not because of that, but because of something else.

Eww...

Sometimes, I don't much care for Pop culture these days.

But I do like ska.

That's the other thing.

Ask me if you want clarification.

I had a good idea.

But it is a silly one.

I'm going to cut this off all of a sudden.

I can't speak the Spanish.

Holy crap, I have so much work to do.

It's not even funny.

I hate this.

And I'm sick.

And I have to go to this stupid thing in an hour.

I don't even know if it's in an hour.

I'm just guessing.

I wouldn't have to if someone would call me back!

But no.

Phones aren't for talking on anymore.

Dumb-ass people.

I'm sure I"m right though.

And if I'm not it's not that big a deal.

Maybe, I don't know.

But it's always at this time.

So...

Okay!

New topic, this one is upsetting me.

As of late, I have run into situations, more like lessons, in my life that are so cliché.

It's really weirdin' me out.

Like, something straight out of the telly.

Crazy crazy.

Sigh...

I need a new cellular telephone.

Mine has bitten the dust.

What else?

...

I don't think there is much else.

Maybe after my thing tonight I will tell you how it went.