Malevolent Tuesdays

I swear, if this kind of shit life's been throwing at me continues, I don't know how much longer I can take it. I wake up to a lake outside my bedroom door (water heater imploded) and I end it being stuck in a loop of self-hate and woe. I want to say it was okay in the middle, but that was really forced joy. I'm still so fearful of scaring away the couple of relationships I've managed to build up in my time here in the barren wasteland that is this town. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I just... I need to be shown what I'm supposed to do with my life. And I really hope I can have my own success, however tiny it may be. I don't want to be the other fraction of someone else's. I would really like to be able to do something, that makes me feel good and full of purpose. Like I changed the world for the better. Even if it's miniscule. Just... One thing I can call my own. One thing... One... 


I have a secret. And it's this:
I'm scared to become suicidal.
It seems to be whispering to me, and I'm terrified.
I want somebody to tell me that it's never going to come to that, because I have them to catch me.
And I'm not talking about god. Society... I'm talking to you.


*Sigh*... I'm lonely. That's the minor emotion of tonight, by the way.
I'm not going to delve into that. 
I don't feel like talking about it...


This is a good place to complain about things.
I highly recommend it. 


Post Script:
Remind myself to talk about that other thing sooner or later.