There is a disturbance in the force.

So, I've been trying to figure out what's up with me/you/the rest of the population this week, and I've come to the conclusion that it's me, but it's not my fault--kind of. This is a tad confusing I know, but bear with me for a paragraph or two.

So, on average, I think I spend about fifteen-twenty minutes laughing out of the week, and about four-five times that talking. I don't talk much, but I laugh a lot. BUT, this week, I feel that those numbers have dropped significantly. That's the only think I can think of. The only thing... I've tried everything else. Having the weird kind of unheard/made-up/childish superstition that I have (It's only one), I've done  a lot to try to fix this without actually having to put effort into this. So, I've thought of all the things I've been doing this week that I don't normally do, and I've come up with a list. I feel it kind of fits the theme of the new year with my resolutions and all. So, it's time for another Numbered List! All righty...

1) I've been wearing my grey bra rather than my green or blue one.
2) I've been combing my hair upside-down.
3) I've been using hemp lotion on my face.
4) I've been wearing clothes I bought after X-mas.
5) I've been sleeping with my vent above my bed closed*
6) I've been sleeping with shorts on.
7) There has been a purple wreath above my bed hanging on my wall somewhere.**
8) I've had a sinus infection.
9) The electrical tape on my headphones chord is coming off.


I think that's it. 
So, I'm going to try and change most of that, but I'm not sure any of it will work.
That's just one of the things I've always done. Like breathing or eating or being resentful towards the rest of mankind-- I just can't think of a time when I haven't done it.


Otherwise I'm going to have to put effort into in my problems to try and change them, and that's not fun. I'm too busy with other things.


Today I felt:
Eggplant


Tomorrow, I'm forecasting:
Grass
But we'll see...
I think I need the effort of me as well as the effort of everybody else to get there. I hope it's a good day.
I need one...


*I'm not sure if this counts. I can't remember how long ago I shut the vent, but I'm almost positive it was before Sunday...
** I changed this by moving it from above my bed to above my penis bear where I hang all my purses, but nothing happened, so now it's on the floor. Where it belongs!

A funny feeling.

My heart kind of hurts.
I don't like it.

I've been trying to think of the best way to explain it.
And I still haven't thought of one, but I'm going to try...

It feels like I'm scared, sad, worried, nervous, lonely, and heartbroken all at the same time.
I hate it.

I think it's because the past few days have been... This colour.
That, and I've been listening to music that is fantastic, but the lyrics are not for someone like me.
They're for people who have had bad luck in the love field, and that used to be me.
It is no longer.
And music has just this substantial effect on my life, so... I don't know what I'm going to do.
I think I just need to talk it out.
And listen to more love songs.
Which isn't an easy thing to do.
I didn't notice it until I was in a deeper relationship, but there really aren't that many good songs about love. Good as in not shitty, and positive towards it.
I can only think of a couple off the top of my head, compared to the tens and tens of sad-love songs.
I should write some...
I've never done that before.
It would be an interesting experience.

Speaking of things... I've started on a couple lists.
I'm happy with myself.
It's harder than I thought, but I'm still having fun with it.

But all in all...
I want very much to be content right now.
I think tomorrow should be good.
*sigh*... I don't want it to happen though.
I'm not ready.
I wish it would go back a couple months, and then we can come back to now.
Or just skip to summer.
I don't like school.
It's stressful.
I'm terrified to do it.
And lazy about it.
Which doesn't help my problem...

Today I felt:
Whatever this is.


Edit:
I think I could use some attention too.
I feel like I've been kicked out of the social box left to wonder around the boarders of it, looking in on everyone else. I don't know what to do about that though. I'm going to give it a few days before I figure that out...

When there is nothing left to burn...

You must set yourself on fire.

So it's the last few hours of being trapped inside my house.
My tan fortress of solitude.
Which is good and bad. While I was stuck in here, I made up a list of eight cons about living alone.
Do you want to hear it?
Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.

1) There is nobody around incase you fall or are grabbed by a grab-me-gotcha from under the couch or something.
2) It takes forever to get the bed warm when you're trying to fall asleep. I swear I lay there freezing for half an hour before the sheets start to warm up from my body heat.

3-8) It's pretty lonely. Even with a cat.

Speaking of lists, I've included that topic into one of resolutions for the new year. Which I've made into a nice little list for your convenience.

1) Stop eating bad things. And use chopsticks more often.
2) Get a job, damn it.
3) Coming Soon!
4) Don't get pregnant. Nobody wants that.
5) Make lists about everything again. I used to and I loved it; I don't know why I stopped...
6) Coming Soon!

So yes.
I think that seems pretty reasonable.
I don't know what to think about the future.
Except, what I know about it so far, I'm pretty unhappy with.
So, I hope once we get past about... early May, it will get a hell of a lot better than what I more or less know how it's going to be up until then.
Actually, I hope it's not at all what I expect, and it's a lot better.
But whatever.

Bleh... I want to go back in time.
I like it there better because I already know what's going to happen and it's fun.
None of this "responsibility" shit.

Today I felt:
This colour.

indiscernible

I feel very insignificant today.
I mean, it's not like people aren't paying attention to me, they are, but I feel like I'm being drowned out by other people. I mean, I just want one thing, but nobody's listening...

*sigh* this is probably just a temporary thing.
Looking at my schedule for the next couple weeks, there are several opportunities to make it go away; but, I don't see it changing tonight. Or tomorrow, maybe possibly. Wednesday? Um... Friday should be good. I'm expecting a ukulele, and that should distract from myself, but it won't fix anything...
Satur-- No... Not saturday. I don't know...
I guess I'll get through it somehow.
I mean, time won't stop or slow down or anything...
I just have to wait for it to pass.

Today, I feel (felt):
Beige, Grey, and Orange.

*Snork!*

So, I'm sick again. One might hold my lack of physical activity accountable, but I'm going to go ahead and blame this on my lazy immune system. It's a new disease I discovered. I call it LIS, which stands for "Lachrymose Idolater syndrome". But I'm almost finished with this current episode, so I should be back to my old self before the holidays.

I don't think I'm all that selfish, but I often feel it. Often. 
I'm supposed to ask more of people, but I think I'm going to stop completely, because I feel bad for doing it...


Today though... today was awful. All I did was lay in bed and watch movies.
I watched, "I'm a Cyborg, But it's OK", "Pulp Fiction", "The Puffy Chair", and some reruns on IFC, which is always fun. It's a phenomenal channel. But I did this because I was alone in my house all day. I didn't enjoy that. And when they came back, they didn't even bring any left overs from dinner. They obviously don't love me if they aren't willing to put half-eaten, cold food into a Styrofoam prism for me.

I'm lonely right now.
You know what I'm doing tomorrow, though?
Nothing.
I'll probably sleep all day, because that's what my weekends have come to.

And the X-mas isn't going to be any better.
All of my family is a few hundred miles away, so we aren't seeing them, as with my friends.
So it's just going to be me, my cat, my bamboo plant, and my ukulele for a couple weeks.
In my house.
I don't even get to stay anywhere fun.
We never go anywhere anymore...
The last vacation wasn't even a vacation.
It was like, four days in the middle of Wisconsin with my least favourite group of relatives.
And it was a wedding, so it made me feel terrible about myself.
Bleh...

Maybe if I have money and a trip to the craft store, I'll sew together my own friend over break.
That would be fun.
We could go to the park. Well, no we couldn't because it's fucking cold up here in the middle of nowhere.

More ranting!
Everybody in the world needs to learn how to crochet, because I have so many things I want to do, but I have like, six things I need to do for other people first. And it's been that way for a few months.
I learned how to do this for myself...
But I'll continue to do stuff for other people, because that would be mean if I didn't.


Music Time!
Okay, so I've been a fan of Podington Bear for a while, but just recently have I discovered his huge magnitude of freaking amazingness.
This man is Jesus to me.
He takes sound and turns it into this visual, soundual, texturual, fucking masterpiece for your thinking brain to go on an adventure with, and... I love this guy.
Go see/hear/touch his music with your ears and prepare to have them opened to this outer-space, magical unicorn ride that is the most scrumptious thing I'm sure you've ever heard.

I think I'm done now.

Today I felt:
Plum.

As of now, I feel:
Persian Red Dusty Blue.

Bloggin' time!

Ugh, I have to pee bad...
I am so hyper tonight.
I did not get any of my energy out today. I was on the computer or sitting in front of the telly for the bulk of the day. I hardly ate. And I forgot to shower. Damn... I really wanted to do that. I can smell my feet. And my hair is all... bleh. I can't wait to shower in the morning. First thing I do.

What happened that was interesting... Hmm... I figured out how to loosen my new shoes that I got a few months ago. So I can wear them now. Yay.
And... That's it.
I just needed to be a girl for a few minutes and talk about my day, even though it was BLAND.
Like beige. Beige.
Wow, that's hard to read.
Oh, well.
rarr.

Here. I don't want to be a bitch and not say where I found this.



My floor just vibrated!

Life Regrets

Hmm... I hate the colour of my bedroom. And most everything in it.
I want to change it. All of it. It needs to be so different than what it is now.
... I want to paint it red. RED.
But I can't. It's much to large and I have no money.

*sigh*... I want to be able to put an adjective on myself that completely sums me up. After I find that one adjective that fits me, I can find the style that fits that adjective, and then I will finally know what I'm looking for when I go clothes shopping. And in the future furniture shopping. But in the meantime I feel so blank; so lost looking for an identity. Which I guess is kind of good because I'm a blank canvas; I can do anything with myself. But I just don't know what colour to lay down first. Or what kind of paint to use for that matter... Acrylics or oils? Or watercolours? Or maybe I should go a different direction and perhaps use charcoal or pastels. I don't know...

Hmm... Now I want to try and paint how I feel. Maybe I will do that. I have canvas downstairs. The only problem is that I can only paint rubbish. It's all just... poppycock.

I guess the main feeling of tonight is as follows...
I don't know who I am.
Or what I am for that matter.
And I feel lost.
And I feel like I'm going to be lost forever.
Drifting about in a large white space with no sense of direction.

Dancing.

Tomorrow is going to be so long.
I'm going to be leaving my house at eight in the morning, and returning after nine...
That's ridiculous.

Hmm... I don't really have anything to say, I'm just using this to procrastinate.
I have so little work to do, but I don't want to do it...
So I'm just going to be spitting out random thoughts.

Hey, I think I know how I want to contribute to society!
I think. I don't know.
I still have to philosophise about it for quite some time, but I'm pretty sure I have myself almost figured out.
I'm happy.
Although I'm still very upset because I can't do a stupid cartwheel.
That should be an easy feat to accomplish!
But I can't. >:(
I will though.
Someday...

One. More. Week.
I have been waiting two months for this album to come out.
The date is written on all of my calendars.
And. I. Am. So. Excited.
... Yay!
I'm going to blag about it when I purchase it.
Be prepared...

Do you like my new background colour?
It's called "FFFFCC".
I love it.
I wish I had a room this colour.
Or something large that I look at everyday.
Such as a couch or a person or something.
I don't know...

I'm going to leave now.
To... dance.
To dance the dance of life!
Woo!

Maybe not...

Well, I've decided that I'm much too lazy to do anything good with my time, so I'm just going to do what I do.

This isn't going to be anything more than a diary of some sort, where I will spill all of the sexy crazy things that happen in my day to day life. Take for example what I did today.

I went to Barnes and Noble and got some really good books.

Then I got my hair cut, and went to Target.

What will I do next?

Here is another picture I quite enjoy.