My heart kind of hurts.
I don't like it.
I've been trying to think of the best way to explain it.
And I still haven't thought of one, but I'm going to try...
It feels like I'm scared, sad, worried, nervous, lonely, and heartbroken all at the same time.
I hate it.
I think it's because the past few days have been... This colour.
That, and I've been listening to music that is fantastic, but the lyrics are not for someone like me.
They're for people who have had bad luck in the love field, and that used to be me.
It is no longer.
And music has just this substantial effect on my life, so... I don't know what I'm going to do.
I think I just need to talk it out.
And listen to more love songs.
Which isn't an easy thing to do.
I didn't notice it until I was in a deeper relationship, but there really aren't that many good songs about love. Good as in not shitty, and positive towards it.
I can only think of a couple off the top of my head, compared to the tens and tens of sad-love songs.
I should write some...
I've never done that before.
It would be an interesting experience.
Speaking of things... I've started on a couple lists.
I'm happy with myself.
It's harder than I thought, but I'm still having fun with it.
But all in all...
I want very much to be content right now.
I think tomorrow should be good.
*sigh*... I don't want it to happen though.
I'm not ready.
I wish it would go back a couple months, and then we can come back to now.
Or just skip to summer.
I don't like school.
It's stressful.
I'm terrified to do it.
And lazy about it.
Which doesn't help my problem...
Today I felt:
Whatever this is.
Edit:
I think I could use some attention too.
I feel like I've been kicked out of the social box left to wonder around the boarders of it, looking in on everyone else. I don't know what to do about that though. I'm going to give it a few days before I figure that out...
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loneliness. Show all posts
Wednesday, 6 January 2010
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Not really a break, but a "break"...
So, this past week has been... poppycock to say the least.
I got over my cold, only to catch a worse one, and I've done nothing at all mentionable with my time.
Well, I've cleaned out my closet, but that doesn't really affect me in any way since I never go in there in the first place. It was just something I had on my to-do list for the couple of weeks I have free.
But other than that... I've got nothing.
I had such fun expectations, and they've been shattered.
It's... bleh...
And there is a list of things I want to do, but I can't do any of them.
Mostly, I want to paint a rug onto my floor, but I don't have any paint.
But I have an idea and everything worked out...
Today I feel:
Indigo
I got over my cold, only to catch a worse one, and I've done nothing at all mentionable with my time.
Well, I've cleaned out my closet, but that doesn't really affect me in any way since I never go in there in the first place. It was just something I had on my to-do list for the couple of weeks I have free.
But other than that... I've got nothing.
I had such fun expectations, and they've been shattered.
It's... bleh...
And there is a list of things I want to do, but I can't do any of them.
Mostly, I want to paint a rug onto my floor, but I don't have any paint.
But I have an idea and everything worked out...
Today I feel:
Indigo
Monday, 21 December 2009
indiscernible
I feel very insignificant today.
I mean, it's not like people aren't paying attention to me, they are, but I feel like I'm being drowned out by other people. I mean, I just want one thing, but nobody's listening...
*sigh* this is probably just a temporary thing.
Looking at my schedule for the next couple weeks, there are several opportunities to make it go away; but, I don't see it changing tonight. Or tomorrow, maybe possibly. Wednesday? Um... Friday should be good. I'm expecting a ukulele, and that should distract from myself, but it won't fix anything...
Satur-- No... Not saturday. I don't know...
I guess I'll get through it somehow.
I mean, time won't stop or slow down or anything...
I just have to wait for it to pass.
Today, I feel (felt):
Beige, Grey, and Orange.
I mean, it's not like people aren't paying attention to me, they are, but I feel like I'm being drowned out by other people. I mean, I just want one thing, but nobody's listening...
*sigh* this is probably just a temporary thing.
Looking at my schedule for the next couple weeks, there are several opportunities to make it go away; but, I don't see it changing tonight. Or tomorrow, maybe possibly. Wednesday? Um... Friday should be good. I'm expecting a ukulele, and that should distract from myself, but it won't fix anything...
Satur-- No... Not saturday. I don't know...
I guess I'll get through it somehow.
I mean, time won't stop or slow down or anything...
I just have to wait for it to pass.
Today, I feel (felt):
Beige, Grey, and Orange.
Saturday, 19 December 2009
*Snork!*
So, I'm sick again. One might hold my lack of physical activity accountable, but I'm going to go ahead and blame this on my lazy immune system. It's a new disease I discovered. I call it LIS, which stands for "Lachrymose Idolater syndrome". But I'm almost finished with this current episode, so I should be back to my old self before the holidays.
I don't think I'm all that selfish, but I often feel it. Often.
I'm supposed to ask more of people, but I think I'm going to stop completely, because I feel bad for doing it...
Today though... today was awful. All I did was lay in bed and watch movies.
I watched, "I'm a Cyborg, But it's OK", "Pulp Fiction", "The Puffy Chair", and some reruns on IFC, which is always fun. It's a phenomenal channel. But I did this because I was alone in my house all day. I didn't enjoy that. And when they came back, they didn't even bring any left overs from dinner. They obviously don't love me if they aren't willing to put half-eaten, cold food into a Styrofoam prism for me.
I'm lonely right now.
You know what I'm doing tomorrow, though?
Nothing.
I'll probably sleep all day, because that's what my weekends have come to.
And the X-mas isn't going to be any better.
All of my family is a few hundred miles away, so we aren't seeing them, as with my friends.
So it's just going to be me, my cat, my bamboo plant, and my ukulele for a couple weeks.
In my house.
I don't even get to stay anywhere fun.
We never go anywhere anymore...
The last vacation wasn't even a vacation.
It was like, four days in the middle of Wisconsin with my least favourite group of relatives.
And it was a wedding, so it made me feel terrible about myself.
Bleh...
Maybe if I have money and a trip to the craft store, I'll sew together my own friend over break.
That would be fun.
We could go to the park. Well, no we couldn't because it's fucking cold up here in the middle of nowhere.
More ranting!
Everybody in the world needs to learn how to crochet, because I have so many things I want to do, but I have like, six things I need to do for other people first. And it's been that way for a few months.
I learned how to do this for myself...
But I'll continue to do stuff for other people, because that would be mean if I didn't.
Music Time!
Okay, so I've been a fan of Podington Bear for a while, but just recently have I discovered his huge magnitude of freaking amazingness.
This man is Jesus to me.
He takes sound and turns it into this visual, soundual, texturual, fucking masterpiece for your thinking brain to go on an adventure with, and... I love this guy.
Go see/hear/touch his music with your ears and prepare to have them opened to this outer-space, magical unicorn ride that is the most scrumptious thing I'm sure you've ever heard.
I think I'm done now.
Today I felt:
Plum.
As of now, I feel:
Persian Red Dusty Blue.
I don't think I'm all that selfish, but I often feel it. Often.
I'm supposed to ask more of people, but I think I'm going to stop completely, because I feel bad for doing it...
Today though... today was awful. All I did was lay in bed and watch movies.
I watched, "I'm a Cyborg, But it's OK", "Pulp Fiction", "The Puffy Chair", and some reruns on IFC, which is always fun. It's a phenomenal channel. But I did this because I was alone in my house all day. I didn't enjoy that. And when they came back, they didn't even bring any left overs from dinner. They obviously don't love me if they aren't willing to put half-eaten, cold food into a Styrofoam prism for me.
I'm lonely right now.
You know what I'm doing tomorrow, though?
Nothing.
I'll probably sleep all day, because that's what my weekends have come to.
And the X-mas isn't going to be any better.
All of my family is a few hundred miles away, so we aren't seeing them, as with my friends.
So it's just going to be me, my cat, my bamboo plant, and my ukulele for a couple weeks.
In my house.
I don't even get to stay anywhere fun.
We never go anywhere anymore...
The last vacation wasn't even a vacation.
It was like, four days in the middle of Wisconsin with my least favourite group of relatives.
And it was a wedding, so it made me feel terrible about myself.
Bleh...
Maybe if I have money and a trip to the craft store, I'll sew together my own friend over break.
That would be fun.
We could go to the park. Well, no we couldn't because it's fucking cold up here in the middle of nowhere.
More ranting!
Everybody in the world needs to learn how to crochet, because I have so many things I want to do, but I have like, six things I need to do for other people first. And it's been that way for a few months.
I learned how to do this for myself...
But I'll continue to do stuff for other people, because that would be mean if I didn't.
Music Time!
Okay, so I've been a fan of Podington Bear for a while, but just recently have I discovered his huge magnitude of freaking amazingness.
This man is Jesus to me.
He takes sound and turns it into this visual, soundual, texturual, fucking masterpiece for your thinking brain to go on an adventure with, and... I love this guy.
Go see/hear/touch his music with your ears and prepare to have them opened to this outer-space, magical unicorn ride that is the most scrumptious thing I'm sure you've ever heard.
I think I'm done now.
Today I felt:
Plum.
As of now, I feel:
Monday, 14 December 2009
Numbered Lists.
Things bad with my life right now:
1. I look like a lesbian from 1996.
2. I've recently lost my sense of humour until further notice for reasons unbeknownst to me.
3. I'm still invisible and/or just not worth paying attention to, to everybody around me.
4. I'm tired and uninterested with life.
5. I'm cold.
6. I can't find the remote to my telly, and you can't change the channel otherwise.
7. I need to do laundry, but I'm never home when the washer is empty.
Things not-so-bad with my life right now.
1. I recently finished a hat I can't ever wear because everybody is a fuck nugget.
2. There are some hockey games tomorrow night I get to go to, and pretend to be happy at.
3. I can wear my hat to hockey.
4. I still have one friend from Saint Hell-hole that talks to me when she has time.
5. Breanna has fleas. (that one makes me laugh)
1. I look like a lesbian from 1996.
2. I've recently lost my sense of humour until further notice for reasons unbeknownst to me.
3. I'm still invisible and/or just not worth paying attention to, to everybody around me.
4. I'm tired and uninterested with life.
5. I'm cold.
6. I can't find the remote to my telly, and you can't change the channel otherwise.
7. I need to do laundry, but I'm never home when the washer is empty.
Things not-so-bad with my life right now.
1. I recently finished a hat I can't ever wear because everybody is a fuck nugget.
2. There are some hockey games tomorrow night I get to go to, and pretend to be happy at.
3. I can wear my hat to hockey.
4. I still have one friend from Saint Hell-hole that talks to me when she has time.
5. Breanna has fleas. (that one makes me laugh)
Saturday, 5 December 2009
I'M starting to feel like it's been a...
Long while since I started this short story I'm doing, and I already feel like it has been forever.
One day, I want to be able to just sit down and type out ten pages, but I feel like that's never going to happen.
Not that I expect myself to be there tomorrow, or next week, or even in a few years, but still...
Every time I sit down to type a paragraph it seems to go pretty quickly.
Like, I'll look up and a half-hour has gone by.
You know, I just don't think it should take that long to pull a paragraph into existence.
*poof*
When I read what I have typed so far though, I'm extremely happy with what I have.
I am doing a lot better than I thought I would.
Low expectations are good to have. You either do a lot better and are happy, or you fail and it's not all that bad.
Little by little it's coming along, though, and one day it will be done and I will be satisfied.
Yeah... I've been considering posting a WIP of it on dA to get criticism and to see if it's even worth finishing.
On the other hand, I don't know if I want to ruin the surprise, or if it would help me at all.
Unnecessary uploads are a burden on everybody. So, I don't know.
Besides the thing I'm working on now, I have one other really awesome thing I'm doing.
Every time I have an idea, I've been trying to follow through on it... It's going well, I think.
When I finish with these though, I'm not to sure what I'm going to do next.
It's not to often I have kind of interesting ideas like this to write about.
The next time I do might be a long while...
However, they might not. Maybe they'll just keep coming at a steady pace and I won't run out for a while...
Moving on... Hmm... I... Don't think I have anything more to ramble on about.
Eventually I will though, so don't worry. It's not the end of procrastination posts...
¿'kay?
I also have this fear smouldering inside of my chest, eating away at the rational part of my brain.
My heart has been racing for the past few hours...
It makes my stomach feel like it's suspended from my lungs, and it hurts...
One day, I want to be able to just sit down and type out ten pages, but I feel like that's never going to happen.
Not that I expect myself to be there tomorrow, or next week, or even in a few years, but still...
Every time I sit down to type a paragraph it seems to go pretty quickly.
Like, I'll look up and a half-hour has gone by.
You know, I just don't think it should take that long to pull a paragraph into existence.
*poof*
When I read what I have typed so far though, I'm extremely happy with what I have.
I am doing a lot better than I thought I would.
Low expectations are good to have. You either do a lot better and are happy, or you fail and it's not all that bad.
Little by little it's coming along, though, and one day it will be done and I will be satisfied.
Yeah... I've been considering posting a WIP of it on dA to get criticism and to see if it's even worth finishing.
On the other hand, I don't know if I want to ruin the surprise, or if it would help me at all.
Unnecessary uploads are a burden on everybody. So, I don't know.
Besides the thing I'm working on now, I have one other really awesome thing I'm doing.
Every time I have an idea, I've been trying to follow through on it... It's going well, I think.
When I finish with these though, I'm not to sure what I'm going to do next.
It's not to often I have kind of interesting ideas like this to write about.
The next time I do might be a long while...
However, they might not. Maybe they'll just keep coming at a steady pace and I won't run out for a while...
Moving on... Hmm... I... Don't think I have anything more to ramble on about.
Eventually I will though, so don't worry. It's not the end of procrastination posts...
¿'kay?
I also have this fear smouldering inside of my chest, eating away at the rational part of my brain.
My heart has been racing for the past few hours...
It makes my stomach feel like it's suspended from my lungs, and it hurts...
Monday, 23 November 2009
Malevolent Mondays
Well, today could've gone a hell of a lot better than it did. But, as life would've wanted me to, I learned something from it. And what is that you ask? Well, you'll have to read to find out. I'm not going to give away the ending when I've just begun...
Let's start off with some of my thoughts of the day, shall we?
(I probably don't--in other words don't-- feel the same way now. I'm just stating how I previously felt. Don't take anything in anyway; I was in a very bad state of mind)
12:49 p.m.
I've come up with another reason as to why I don't like it here: It's because I myself am so far different from everybody else here, when put into a group of people I seem to disappear. My opinion doesn't seem to matter and nither do I. I miss being with my people. My population. My city full of people who respect me. I miss being the star of a conversation. Having people hang on my every word. Being known as the funny, intellegent, cunning linguist I used to be. *sigh*... If only I hadn't been ripped from my environment and placed into this hell-hole of a town maybe my life wouldn't feel as worthless as it does... Oh, do I hate Mondays...
1:53 p.m.
I keep seeing people around town wearing my clothes. I need to start shopping elsewhere. Or making my own clothes. But that would require being "artistic" and "creative" of which, I am neither.
2:15 p.m.
This is the first time I've ever acted out in a way that was distructive. It's fun so far. Maybe I can turn it around into an art form. But I would need money to do that. And creativity...
That's all for now. Hmm... I guess I had more. And at least something a little more interesting at that, but I guess I was wrong. Oh, well. I'm not deleting it now, it took me a good minute to copy and paste that.
Let's see... What else did I want to add... Oh!
Okay. I think I figured out a little something about myself in order to delve into this emotion a bit farther...
I don't fit in with these people in this town at all. And I would complain about how I was so understood where I used to live, but I wasn't there either. In fact, I don't think I've ever felt like I belong somewhere or with any kind of group of people. (And to be honest, I don't think many people have. But I'm talking about myself, not other people...) Although, there is possibly-maybe an exception. And that's him. With him, I feel like there is possibly a place where I could fit into. And it's not him plus all of his friends, it's just him. We are two puzzle pieces that could snap together and then continue on in this world trying to figure out how we fit into the big picture. (By the way, it's a horse.) And so, I find comfort in this. He is maybe-possibly my alcove where I belong. And I am his. But I'm not 100% positive yet. We haven't been able to physically try fitting the pieces together yet. BUT, as far as we both can see (and I'm speaking for both of us) is that we've tried other pieces, they don't work, and we've been next to each other, and we look like we most likely would be able to fit together. The tab and the hole look to be about the same size, and all the angles look to fit and such... And I as well as other pieces in the box would bet money on it. You just can't be 100% positive about the future ever. On anything. That's not logical. But I feel like I could finally belong somewhere with someone, and that's a big thing...
I apologise that I have so much emotional baggage. If you can help me carry it, I will forever be there for you and yours, and all I want in return is a little help with some baggage. Doesn't that sound like a good deal?I think it does...
Let's start off with some of my thoughts of the day, shall we?
(I probably don't--in other words don't-- feel the same way now. I'm just stating how I previously felt. Don't take anything in anyway; I was in a very bad state of mind)
12:49 p.m.
I've come up with another reason as to why I don't like it here: It's because I myself am so far different from everybody else here, when put into a group of people I seem to disappear. My opinion doesn't seem to matter and nither do I. I miss being with my people. My population. My city full of people who respect me. I miss being the star of a conversation. Having people hang on my every word. Being known as the funny, intellegent, cunning linguist I used to be. *sigh*... If only I hadn't been ripped from my environment and placed into this hell-hole of a town maybe my life wouldn't feel as worthless as it does... Oh, do I hate Mondays...
1:53 p.m.
I keep seeing people around town wearing my clothes. I need to start shopping elsewhere. Or making my own clothes. But that would require being "artistic" and "creative" of which, I am neither.
2:15 p.m.
This is the first time I've ever acted out in a way that was distructive. It's fun so far. Maybe I can turn it around into an art form. But I would need money to do that. And creativity...
That's all for now. Hmm... I guess I had more. And at least something a little more interesting at that, but I guess I was wrong. Oh, well. I'm not deleting it now, it took me a good minute to copy and paste that.
Let's see... What else did I want to add... Oh!
Okay. I think I figured out a little something about myself in order to delve into this emotion a bit farther...
I don't fit in with these people in this town at all. And I would complain about how I was so understood where I used to live, but I wasn't there either. In fact, I don't think I've ever felt like I belong somewhere or with any kind of group of people. (And to be honest, I don't think many people have. But I'm talking about myself, not other people...) Although, there is possibly-maybe an exception. And that's him. With him, I feel like there is possibly a place where I could fit into. And it's not him plus all of his friends, it's just him. We are two puzzle pieces that could snap together and then continue on in this world trying to figure out how we fit into the big picture. (By the way, it's a horse.) And so, I find comfort in this. He is maybe-possibly my alcove where I belong. And I am his. But I'm not 100% positive yet. We haven't been able to physically try fitting the pieces together yet. BUT, as far as we both can see (and I'm speaking for both of us) is that we've tried other pieces, they don't work, and we've been next to each other, and we look like we most likely would be able to fit together. The tab and the hole look to be about the same size, and all the angles look to fit and such... And I as well as other pieces in the box would bet money on it. You just can't be 100% positive about the future ever. On anything. That's not logical. But I feel like I could finally belong somewhere with someone, and that's a big thing...
I apologise that I have so much emotional baggage. If you can help me carry it, I will forever be there for you and yours, and all I want in return is a little help with some baggage. Doesn't that sound like a good deal?I think it does...
