There is a disturbance in the force.

So, I've been trying to figure out what's up with me/you/the rest of the population this week, and I've come to the conclusion that it's me, but it's not my fault--kind of. This is a tad confusing I know, but bear with me for a paragraph or two.

So, on average, I think I spend about fifteen-twenty minutes laughing out of the week, and about four-five times that talking. I don't talk much, but I laugh a lot. BUT, this week, I feel that those numbers have dropped significantly. That's the only think I can think of. The only thing... I've tried everything else. Having the weird kind of unheard/made-up/childish superstition that I have (It's only one), I've done  a lot to try to fix this without actually having to put effort into this. So, I've thought of all the things I've been doing this week that I don't normally do, and I've come up with a list. I feel it kind of fits the theme of the new year with my resolutions and all. So, it's time for another Numbered List! All righty...

1) I've been wearing my grey bra rather than my green or blue one.
2) I've been combing my hair upside-down.
3) I've been using hemp lotion on my face.
4) I've been wearing clothes I bought after X-mas.
5) I've been sleeping with my vent above my bed closed*
6) I've been sleeping with shorts on.
7) There has been a purple wreath above my bed hanging on my wall somewhere.**
8) I've had a sinus infection.
9) The electrical tape on my headphones chord is coming off.


I think that's it. 
So, I'm going to try and change most of that, but I'm not sure any of it will work.
That's just one of the things I've always done. Like breathing or eating or being resentful towards the rest of mankind-- I just can't think of a time when I haven't done it.


Otherwise I'm going to have to put effort into in my problems to try and change them, and that's not fun. I'm too busy with other things.


Today I felt:
Eggplant


Tomorrow, I'm forecasting:
Grass
But we'll see...
I think I need the effort of me as well as the effort of everybody else to get there. I hope it's a good day.
I need one...


*I'm not sure if this counts. I can't remember how long ago I shut the vent, but I'm almost positive it was before Sunday...
** I changed this by moving it from above my bed to above my penis bear where I hang all my purses, but nothing happened, so now it's on the floor. Where it belongs!

A funny feeling.

My heart kind of hurts.
I don't like it.

I've been trying to think of the best way to explain it.
And I still haven't thought of one, but I'm going to try...

It feels like I'm scared, sad, worried, nervous, lonely, and heartbroken all at the same time.
I hate it.

I think it's because the past few days have been... This colour.
That, and I've been listening to music that is fantastic, but the lyrics are not for someone like me.
They're for people who have had bad luck in the love field, and that used to be me.
It is no longer.
And music has just this substantial effect on my life, so... I don't know what I'm going to do.
I think I just need to talk it out.
And listen to more love songs.
Which isn't an easy thing to do.
I didn't notice it until I was in a deeper relationship, but there really aren't that many good songs about love. Good as in not shitty, and positive towards it.
I can only think of a couple off the top of my head, compared to the tens and tens of sad-love songs.
I should write some...
I've never done that before.
It would be an interesting experience.

Speaking of things... I've started on a couple lists.
I'm happy with myself.
It's harder than I thought, but I'm still having fun with it.

But all in all...
I want very much to be content right now.
I think tomorrow should be good.
*sigh*... I don't want it to happen though.
I'm not ready.
I wish it would go back a couple months, and then we can come back to now.
Or just skip to summer.
I don't like school.
It's stressful.
I'm terrified to do it.
And lazy about it.
Which doesn't help my problem...

Today I felt:
Whatever this is.


Edit:
I think I could use some attention too.
I feel like I've been kicked out of the social box left to wonder around the boarders of it, looking in on everyone else. I don't know what to do about that though. I'm going to give it a few days before I figure that out...

When there is nothing left to burn...

You must set yourself on fire.

So it's the last few hours of being trapped inside my house.
My tan fortress of solitude.
Which is good and bad. While I was stuck in here, I made up a list of eight cons about living alone.
Do you want to hear it?
Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.

1) There is nobody around incase you fall or are grabbed by a grab-me-gotcha from under the couch or something.
2) It takes forever to get the bed warm when you're trying to fall asleep. I swear I lay there freezing for half an hour before the sheets start to warm up from my body heat.

3-8) It's pretty lonely. Even with a cat.

Speaking of lists, I've included that topic into one of resolutions for the new year. Which I've made into a nice little list for your convenience.

1) Stop eating bad things. And use chopsticks more often.
2) Get a job, damn it.
3) Coming Soon!
4) Don't get pregnant. Nobody wants that.
5) Make lists about everything again. I used to and I loved it; I don't know why I stopped...
6) Coming Soon!

So yes.
I think that seems pretty reasonable.
I don't know what to think about the future.
Except, what I know about it so far, I'm pretty unhappy with.
So, I hope once we get past about... early May, it will get a hell of a lot better than what I more or less know how it's going to be up until then.
Actually, I hope it's not at all what I expect, and it's a lot better.
But whatever.

Bleh... I want to go back in time.
I like it there better because I already know what's going to happen and it's fun.
None of this "responsibility" shit.

Today I felt:
This colour.

Not really a break, but a "break"...

So, this past week has been... poppycock to say the least.
I got over my cold, only to catch a worse one, and I've done nothing at all mentionable with my time.
Well, I've cleaned out my closet, but that doesn't really affect me in any way since I never go in there in the first place. It was just something I had on my to-do list for the couple of weeks I have free.
But other than that... I've got nothing.
I had such fun expectations, and they've been shattered.
It's... bleh...

And there is a list of things I want to do, but I can't do any of them.
Mostly, I want to paint a rug onto my floor, but I don't have any paint.
But I have an idea and everything worked out...

Today I feel:
Indigo

indiscernible

I feel very insignificant today.
I mean, it's not like people aren't paying attention to me, they are, but I feel like I'm being drowned out by other people. I mean, I just want one thing, but nobody's listening...

*sigh* this is probably just a temporary thing.
Looking at my schedule for the next couple weeks, there are several opportunities to make it go away; but, I don't see it changing tonight. Or tomorrow, maybe possibly. Wednesday? Um... Friday should be good. I'm expecting a ukulele, and that should distract from myself, but it won't fix anything...
Satur-- No... Not saturday. I don't know...
I guess I'll get through it somehow.
I mean, time won't stop or slow down or anything...
I just have to wait for it to pass.

Today, I feel (felt):
Beige, Grey, and Orange.

*Snork!*

So, I'm sick again. One might hold my lack of physical activity accountable, but I'm going to go ahead and blame this on my lazy immune system. It's a new disease I discovered. I call it LIS, which stands for "Lachrymose Idolater syndrome". But I'm almost finished with this current episode, so I should be back to my old self before the holidays.

I don't think I'm all that selfish, but I often feel it. Often. 
I'm supposed to ask more of people, but I think I'm going to stop completely, because I feel bad for doing it...


Today though... today was awful. All I did was lay in bed and watch movies.
I watched, "I'm a Cyborg, But it's OK", "Pulp Fiction", "The Puffy Chair", and some reruns on IFC, which is always fun. It's a phenomenal channel. But I did this because I was alone in my house all day. I didn't enjoy that. And when they came back, they didn't even bring any left overs from dinner. They obviously don't love me if they aren't willing to put half-eaten, cold food into a Styrofoam prism for me.

I'm lonely right now.
You know what I'm doing tomorrow, though?
Nothing.
I'll probably sleep all day, because that's what my weekends have come to.

And the X-mas isn't going to be any better.
All of my family is a few hundred miles away, so we aren't seeing them, as with my friends.
So it's just going to be me, my cat, my bamboo plant, and my ukulele for a couple weeks.
In my house.
I don't even get to stay anywhere fun.
We never go anywhere anymore...
The last vacation wasn't even a vacation.
It was like, four days in the middle of Wisconsin with my least favourite group of relatives.
And it was a wedding, so it made me feel terrible about myself.
Bleh...

Maybe if I have money and a trip to the craft store, I'll sew together my own friend over break.
That would be fun.
We could go to the park. Well, no we couldn't because it's fucking cold up here in the middle of nowhere.

More ranting!
Everybody in the world needs to learn how to crochet, because I have so many things I want to do, but I have like, six things I need to do for other people first. And it's been that way for a few months.
I learned how to do this for myself...
But I'll continue to do stuff for other people, because that would be mean if I didn't.


Music Time!
Okay, so I've been a fan of Podington Bear for a while, but just recently have I discovered his huge magnitude of freaking amazingness.
This man is Jesus to me.
He takes sound and turns it into this visual, soundual, texturual, fucking masterpiece for your thinking brain to go on an adventure with, and... I love this guy.
Go see/hear/touch his music with your ears and prepare to have them opened to this outer-space, magical unicorn ride that is the most scrumptious thing I'm sure you've ever heard.

I think I'm done now.

Today I felt:
Plum.

As of now, I feel:
Persian Red Dusty Blue.

Numbered Lists.

Things bad with my life right now:

1. I look like a lesbian from 1996.
2. I've recently lost my sense of humour until further notice for reasons unbeknownst to me.
3. I'm still invisible and/or just not worth paying attention to, to everybody around me.
4. I'm tired and uninterested with life.
5. I'm cold.
6. I can't find the remote to my telly, and you can't change the channel otherwise.
7. I need to do laundry, but I'm never home when the washer is empty.

Things not-so-bad with my life right now.

1. I recently finished a hat I can't ever wear because everybody is a fuck nugget.
2. There are some hockey games tomorrow night I get to go to, and pretend to be happy at.
3. I can wear my hat to hockey.
4. I still have one friend from Saint Hell-hole that talks to me when she has time.
5. Breanna has fleas. (that one makes me laugh)

Found.

Imagine this: You are walking down the centre of a parking lot; it is cold and windy outside, you're looking forward, not paying any mind to what's around you, when you spot a bright red piece of plastic in the snow. You pick it up, and low and behold, it's a flash drive! And it's beautiful... Who knows what kind of untold secrets this tiny crimson box withholds. To take it home and plug it in would be like opening up some sort of mysterious treasure chest you found in the trunk of some car.

*sigh* I'm tired.
Long story short, there were some videos of people trying (and failing) to ride on their bikes backwards, and jump over bikes on scooters. Then there was a bunch of music that didn't make sense (i.e. Smooth Jazz, a Soundtrack, and some weird Metal Alt.) Also some pictures of a sad-lookin' beach, some album art pictures, a couple of book reports?, and a "secret diary" entry that was the most boring thing I've ever read.

It was still neat though.

This is what Death looks like.

I'm so terrified of butterflies. Look at the tongue thing. *shiver*

I'M starting to feel like it's been a...

Long while since I started this short story I'm doing, and I already feel like it has been forever.
One day, I want to be able to just sit down and type out ten pages, but I feel like that's never going to happen.
Not that I expect myself to be there tomorrow, or next week, or even in a few years, but still...
Every time I sit down to type a paragraph it seems to go pretty quickly.
Like, I'll look up and a half-hour has gone by.
You know, I just don't think it should take that long to pull a paragraph into existence.
*poof*

When I read what I have typed so far though, I'm extremely happy with what I have.
I am doing a lot better than I thought I would.
Low expectations are good to have. You either do a lot better and are happy, or you fail and it's not all that bad.
Little by little it's coming along, though, and one day it will be done and I will be satisfied.

Yeah... I've been considering posting a WIP of it on dA to get criticism and to see if it's even worth finishing.
On the other hand, I don't know if I want to ruin the surprise, or if it would help me at all.
Unnecessary uploads are a burden on everybody. So, I don't know.

Besides the thing I'm working on now, I have one other really awesome thing I'm doing.
Every time I have an idea, I've been trying to follow through on it... It's going well, I think.

When I finish with these though, I'm not to sure what I'm going to do next.
It's not to often I have kind of interesting ideas like this to write about.
The next time I do might be a long while...
However, they might not. Maybe they'll just keep coming at a steady pace and I won't run out for a while...

Moving on... Hmm... I... Don't think I have anything more to ramble on about.
Eventually I will though, so don't worry. It's not the end of procrastination posts...
¿'kay?

I also have this fear smouldering inside of my chest, eating away at the rational part of my brain.
My heart has been racing for the past few hours...
It makes my stomach feel like it's suspended from my lungs, and it hurts...