Cluttered.

You know, I'd have to say this is my favourite place on the internet now. Because it's not filled with people that enrage me. It's just a place that's all me, where I can come and enjoy being with myself. It's... Nice. It's not cluttered with people, is what I'm getting at, I guess. But if you ever get lonely, you just go find some people to start talking to. So, you can't lose.

Okay. I started with the labels and such, and it turns out I have a lot of posts that don't have anything to do with anything, so I'm going to start talking about those things so I can use the labels more than once. I'm recycling!

First topic:

Today! I had fun. It was fun. I made a video! With my love. It was just peachy keen.

Here. Go watch. That's me! And I look good. I'm on the internet! Yeah... That's cool.

Second topic:

I have been listening to the Poddington Bear podcast for a while now, and I've kept it secret too long!

Go out and listen! It is by far some of the best music I've heard in a long time. So! Go forth and google or search on iTunes-- just get this into your possession.

Topic Three:

Red.

I recommend it.

Love, 

Emma

Bloggin' time!

Ugh, I have to pee bad...
I am so hyper tonight.
I did not get any of my energy out today. I was on the computer or sitting in front of the telly for the bulk of the day. I hardly ate. And I forgot to shower. Damn... I really wanted to do that. I can smell my feet. And my hair is all... bleh. I can't wait to shower in the morning. First thing I do.

What happened that was interesting... Hmm... I figured out how to loosen my new shoes that I got a few months ago. So I can wear them now. Yay.
And... That's it.
I just needed to be a girl for a few minutes and talk about my day, even though it was BLAND.
Like beige. Beige.
Wow, that's hard to read.
Oh, well.
rarr.

Here. I don't want to be a bitch and not say where I found this.



My floor just vibrated!

Hail, Hail, Thanksgiving.

Ah... The long weekend has been good to me.
Plenty of food, good company, nothing pestering me; I could not ask for more.
Well, I would like someone to do the work I have for the weekend, and I wouldn't mind extending the break for a day or two--I quite enjoy sleeping in-- but what can you do?

Oh, I had this weird dream that I was in an art class at school taught by my chemistry teacher (I have a lot of those, but this one was in a basement rather than on the roof, or a secret room, or just a regular art room, or a real one from my past, et cetera, et cetera...) and this kid came in with a bag that turned out to be a bomb, and everyone escaped from the room except me and my boyfriend, because he want to try and save everybody, but we were tied together for some reason so I couldn't go anywhere and it was hard to walk around, and we were trying to stop the timer, but we couldn't so we leaped out of the screen (Like you were watching my dream on a monitor) and we were in like, an old Gameboy colour, but it was a different scene of real life, and we were in this maze trying to escape the blast range of the bomb, and all of a sudden we were both wearing matching trench coats, and then we were almost out of the maze, but we came to this part where we had to climb up this house plant because we had shrunk down to the size of mice, and my best friend was in the plant with a broken leg because she had been attacked by a giant bug, so I was trying to carry her on my back but it was slowing me down and I couldn't climb up the plant fast enough, so I dropped her down to her death so we could get away and live because the bomb was about to go off, and we got to the top of the plant, and there was this tiny house that we went inside, and it was like the house of my dreams, and it was so beautiful, and we went into the kitchen and there was a dumbwaiter in the back, so we got in it and it took us to the basement and there all that was in there were a bunch of peacocks and polar bears walking around and sitting on all the furniture watching telly and things, and when we stepped out of the dumbwaiter they all just stared at us, so we went back up, but we went past the kitchen to the bed room, and went to bed in this huge, old canopy bed that was covered in gorgeous red bedding because we were so tired from running and then I woke up.

It was interesting.
*sigh*... Sometimes sleeping can be so tiring though.

Life Regrets

Hmm... I hate the colour of my bedroom. And most everything in it.
I want to change it. All of it. It needs to be so different than what it is now.
... I want to paint it red. RED.
But I can't. It's much to large and I have no money.

*sigh*... I want to be able to put an adjective on myself that completely sums me up. After I find that one adjective that fits me, I can find the style that fits that adjective, and then I will finally know what I'm looking for when I go clothes shopping. And in the future furniture shopping. But in the meantime I feel so blank; so lost looking for an identity. Which I guess is kind of good because I'm a blank canvas; I can do anything with myself. But I just don't know what colour to lay down first. Or what kind of paint to use for that matter... Acrylics or oils? Or watercolours? Or maybe I should go a different direction and perhaps use charcoal or pastels. I don't know...

Hmm... Now I want to try and paint how I feel. Maybe I will do that. I have canvas downstairs. The only problem is that I can only paint rubbish. It's all just... poppycock.

I guess the main feeling of tonight is as follows...
I don't know who I am.
Or what I am for that matter.
And I feel lost.
And I feel like I'm going to be lost forever.
Drifting about in a large white space with no sense of direction.

Malevolent Tuesdays

I swear, if this kind of shit life's been throwing at me continues, I don't know how much longer I can take it. I wake up to a lake outside my bedroom door (water heater imploded) and I end it being stuck in a loop of self-hate and woe. I want to say it was okay in the middle, but that was really forced joy. I'm still so fearful of scaring away the couple of relationships I've managed to build up in my time here in the barren wasteland that is this town. I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I just... I need to be shown what I'm supposed to do with my life. And I really hope I can have my own success, however tiny it may be. I don't want to be the other fraction of someone else's. I would really like to be able to do something, that makes me feel good and full of purpose. Like I changed the world for the better. Even if it's miniscule. Just... One thing I can call my own. One thing... One... 


I have a secret. And it's this:
I'm scared to become suicidal.
It seems to be whispering to me, and I'm terrified.
I want somebody to tell me that it's never going to come to that, because I have them to catch me.
And I'm not talking about god. Society... I'm talking to you.


*Sigh*... I'm lonely. That's the minor emotion of tonight, by the way.
I'm not going to delve into that. 
I don't feel like talking about it...


This is a good place to complain about things.
I highly recommend it. 


Post Script:
Remind myself to talk about that other thing sooner or later.

Malevolent Mondays

Well, today could've gone a hell of a lot better than it did. But, as life would've wanted me to, I learned something from it. And what is that you ask? Well, you'll have to read to find out. I'm not going to give away the ending when I've just begun...

Let's start off with some of my thoughts of the day, shall we?
(I probably don't--in other words don't-- feel the same way now. I'm just stating how I previously felt. Don't take anything in anyway; I was in a very bad state of mind)

12:49 p.m.
I've come up with another reason as to why I don't like it here: It's because I myself am so far different from everybody else here, when put into a group of people I seem to disappear. My opinion doesn't seem to matter and nither do I. I miss being with my people. My population. My city full of people who respect me. I miss being the star of a conversation. Having people hang on my every word. Being known as the funny, intellegent, cunning linguist I used to be. *sigh*... If only I hadn't been ripped from my environment and placed into this hell-hole of a town maybe my life wouldn't feel as worthless as it does... Oh, do I hate Mondays...

1:53 p.m.
I keep seeing people around town wearing my clothes. I need to start shopping elsewhere. Or making my own clothes. But that would require being "artistic" and "creative" of which, I am neither.

2:15 p.m.
This is the first time I've ever acted out in a way that was distructive. It's fun so far. Maybe I can turn it around into an art form. But I would need money to do that. And creativity...

That's all for now. Hmm... I guess I had more. And at least something a little more interesting at that, but I guess I was wrong. Oh, well. I'm not deleting it now, it took me a good minute to copy and paste that.

Let's see... What else did I want to add... Oh!
Okay. I think I figured out a little something about myself in order to delve into this emotion a bit farther...
I don't fit in with these people in this town at all. And I would complain about how I was so understood where I used to live, but I wasn't there either. In fact, I don't think I've ever felt like I belong somewhere or with any kind of group of people. (And to be honest, I don't think many people have. But I'm talking about myself, not other people...) Although, there is possibly-maybe an exception. And that's him. With him, I feel like there is possibly a place where I could fit into. And it's not him plus all of his friends, it's just him. We are two puzzle pieces that could snap together and then continue on in this world trying to figure out how we fit into the big picture. (By the way, it's a horse.) And so, I find comfort in this. He is maybe-possibly my alcove where I belong. And I am his. But I'm not 100% positive yet. We haven't been able to physically try fitting the pieces together yet. BUT, as far as we both can see (and I'm speaking for both of us) is that we've tried other pieces, they don't work, and we've been next to each other, and we look like we most likely would be able to fit together. The tab and the hole look to be about the same size, and all the angles look to fit and such... And I as well as other pieces in the box would bet money on it. You just can't be 100% positive about the future ever. On anything. That's not logical. But I feel like I could finally belong somewhere with someone, and that's a big thing...

I apologise that I have so much emotional baggage. If you can help me carry it, I will forever be there for you and yours, and all I want in return is a little help with some baggage. Doesn't that sound like a good deal?I think it does...

I keep forgetting this exists...

I'm continually thinking to myself "I wish there was a place I could just complain about things and shit" and then it occurs to me, I have this blog set up for just that.

*Sigh*!..
Have you ever been stuck in one of those I'm-So-Lonely-and-Unappreciated loops that seem to go on for ever? Well, that's what I'm experiencing right now. And I don't mean to be such an attention whore, but I can't help it. It's not like I want to feel this way. It's just all day all I hear about is people complaining about their lives or people brag about how wonderful their lives are, and I'm sick of it. Nobody ever wants to listen to how shitty I feel or about my day (which was pretty good on a creative note; I am quite pleased with myself.) And it's been like this for a while. I would know. I've complained about it on here before. I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of losing my people because they don't want to take time to figure out what's bugging me. I'm so sick of talking about this, but I really feel like nobody cares about how I feel. Like, genuinely cares about my feelings and would like to understand why I feel a certain way about something or whatever! I just want to be on the receiving end of some comfort for a while. It would be nice...
That's so selfish, but I needed to say it.
It's... never mind. Forget I said anything, I don't want to be a bother anymore.
But I think I would be so blissfully happy if someone, just out of the blue asked me how I felt, and if it wasn't so good, they asked me why. And then they tried to make me feel better about it. I think just about everyone in my life gets to that third step and then is distracted by someone/something else.
You know?

I'm so bored. I want to go out and live my life, but nobody seems to want to with me anymore.
I mean, it's 9:20. The night just started. I want to go see the lights illuminate the city and I want to be around other people who want to as well. I want to go dance and eat and drive and just enjoy existing. But I can't. I'm stuck in here.

This is a very annoying post. I wouldn't want to read it if I was someone else.
Sorry.
But I do feel a little better now.
Just a tish bit.
*sigh* I need to talk to someone...

Reposting:

I know it's probably not the most non-lazy thing to do, but I just have to post this post I read on one of my daily blogs. It's fantastic.

Good day.

I had a great day. Not just in real life, but on the internet too.
I found this awesome little site. Here is a souviner I picked up from it.


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