I don't know what to call it.

Okay, so I had this dream that was like, three parts over the course of three nights, so I'm going to put it all together in one big-ass sentence for you...

So, I was in English, just like any other day, and we were doing stuff and shit and stuff, and then it was time for me to go to band, so everybody left and instead of talking to my Wyatt and Breanna, and ignoring Brittany like we do, I just ran to the band room for some reason and we started doing this song that I like, so I was like "Yay!"but then somebody fell down a huge flight of stairs just outside, so we just sat there while adults went and looked at it, and I was talking to Cassie, Kyle, and Cheese like I usually do, and then Kyle asked me about playing this game with tornados and chestnuts and I didn't know what he was talking about, and then I turned to ask Cassie something, and when I turned back to Kyle, he kissed me and I didn't know what to do and I was freaking out and trying to tell him that he can't do that because I have my Wyatt and I don't like him anymore but he kept trying to touch me so I ran to go find Wyatt but when I walked out of the room it turned into this house I've never been to before, and it was like a house party and it was the cast of Sex and the City, and all of Wyatt's friends who I'm not at all familiar with, and they were all looking at me with these awful glares, and I was trying to look down and Noah grabbed me and was like "Hey! I found you! Wyatt's been waiting for you in his  'room'", and he used air quotes and everything, and he dragged me into the basement which turned out to be the attic, and Wyatt was swimming in this big pool, and I jumped in to get to him, and we were swimming around together, and the bottom of the pool was glass so we could see the people in the house, and we were watching and making fun of them because all of a sudden we could breathe and talk underwater, and then Wyatt turned into Noah and he was like "Wyatt asked me to go have fun with you because he is busy," (just like on Pulp Fiction!), and so we went out to a movie and we saw all of my old friends standing around in the lobby and they saw me and we were talking to them for a while and Wyatt was there all of a sudden and he kidnapped me from the cinema, and we were driving back to my hose and he was trying to explain to me how Noah was trying to take me back to England because I was famous there and all this weird stuff I've never heard before, and we were in this car that was like a moving room an wheels, and when we got to my house it was filled with water, so we had to swim to get everywhere, and also, it was my old house in my previous town so, not my big tan one, but my big blue one, anyway, we were swimming around and we got to my old bedroom and it was all the same, except there were all these people that were Wyatt's friends hiding in my closet and they were trying to get me so I jumped out of the window into this big garden that was like the pink flower-y level on the second Katamari, and I was rolling around in these flowers trying to stand up, and I just kept rolling in place, so I dove into them and I was back at school but nobody was there because it was on fire and they were all outside watching it burn, so I was trying to get out of there as fast as I could, but I got lost in this huge hall full of all these different staircases, and I chose a door instead, but it took me to a staircase that lead to an air duct, and crawled through and it took me to a ledge on the outside of the school, and I had to jump off into a crowd of people to not die, so I did, but I landed on some snow because they all ran out of the way when I wasn't looking in mid-air, and Wyatt came over to me but I didn't know because I was almost dead and then I woke up.

Yep.
I don't know what it means.
Usually, I can figure these things out, but not this one.

There is a disturbance in the force.

So, I've been trying to figure out what's up with me/you/the rest of the population this week, and I've come to the conclusion that it's me, but it's not my fault--kind of. This is a tad confusing I know, but bear with me for a paragraph or two.

So, on average, I think I spend about fifteen-twenty minutes laughing out of the week, and about four-five times that talking. I don't talk much, but I laugh a lot. BUT, this week, I feel that those numbers have dropped significantly. That's the only think I can think of. The only thing... I've tried everything else. Having the weird kind of unheard/made-up/childish superstition that I have (It's only one), I've done  a lot to try to fix this without actually having to put effort into this. So, I've thought of all the things I've been doing this week that I don't normally do, and I've come up with a list. I feel it kind of fits the theme of the new year with my resolutions and all. So, it's time for another Numbered List! All righty...

1) I've been wearing my grey bra rather than my green or blue one.
2) I've been combing my hair upside-down.
3) I've been using hemp lotion on my face.
4) I've been wearing clothes I bought after X-mas.
5) I've been sleeping with my vent above my bed closed*
6) I've been sleeping with shorts on.
7) There has been a purple wreath above my bed hanging on my wall somewhere.**
8) I've had a sinus infection.
9) The electrical tape on my headphones chord is coming off.


I think that's it. 
So, I'm going to try and change most of that, but I'm not sure any of it will work.
That's just one of the things I've always done. Like breathing or eating or being resentful towards the rest of mankind-- I just can't think of a time when I haven't done it.


Otherwise I'm going to have to put effort into in my problems to try and change them, and that's not fun. I'm too busy with other things.


Today I felt:
Eggplant


Tomorrow, I'm forecasting:
Grass
But we'll see...
I think I need the effort of me as well as the effort of everybody else to get there. I hope it's a good day.
I need one...


*I'm not sure if this counts. I can't remember how long ago I shut the vent, but I'm almost positive it was before Sunday...
** I changed this by moving it from above my bed to above my penis bear where I hang all my purses, but nothing happened, so now it's on the floor. Where it belongs!

A funny feeling.

My heart kind of hurts.
I don't like it.

I've been trying to think of the best way to explain it.
And I still haven't thought of one, but I'm going to try...

It feels like I'm scared, sad, worried, nervous, lonely, and heartbroken all at the same time.
I hate it.

I think it's because the past few days have been... This colour.
That, and I've been listening to music that is fantastic, but the lyrics are not for someone like me.
They're for people who have had bad luck in the love field, and that used to be me.
It is no longer.
And music has just this substantial effect on my life, so... I don't know what I'm going to do.
I think I just need to talk it out.
And listen to more love songs.
Which isn't an easy thing to do.
I didn't notice it until I was in a deeper relationship, but there really aren't that many good songs about love. Good as in not shitty, and positive towards it.
I can only think of a couple off the top of my head, compared to the tens and tens of sad-love songs.
I should write some...
I've never done that before.
It would be an interesting experience.

Speaking of things... I've started on a couple lists.
I'm happy with myself.
It's harder than I thought, but I'm still having fun with it.

But all in all...
I want very much to be content right now.
I think tomorrow should be good.
*sigh*... I don't want it to happen though.
I'm not ready.
I wish it would go back a couple months, and then we can come back to now.
Or just skip to summer.
I don't like school.
It's stressful.
I'm terrified to do it.
And lazy about it.
Which doesn't help my problem...

Today I felt:
Whatever this is.


Edit:
I think I could use some attention too.
I feel like I've been kicked out of the social box left to wonder around the boarders of it, looking in on everyone else. I don't know what to do about that though. I'm going to give it a few days before I figure that out...

When there is nothing left to burn...

You must set yourself on fire.

So it's the last few hours of being trapped inside my house.
My tan fortress of solitude.
Which is good and bad. While I was stuck in here, I made up a list of eight cons about living alone.
Do you want to hear it?
Well, I'm going to tell you anyway.

1) There is nobody around incase you fall or are grabbed by a grab-me-gotcha from under the couch or something.
2) It takes forever to get the bed warm when you're trying to fall asleep. I swear I lay there freezing for half an hour before the sheets start to warm up from my body heat.

3-8) It's pretty lonely. Even with a cat.

Speaking of lists, I've included that topic into one of resolutions for the new year. Which I've made into a nice little list for your convenience.

1) Stop eating bad things. And use chopsticks more often.
2) Get a job, damn it.
3) Coming Soon!
4) Don't get pregnant. Nobody wants that.
5) Make lists about everything again. I used to and I loved it; I don't know why I stopped...
6) Coming Soon!

So yes.
I think that seems pretty reasonable.
I don't know what to think about the future.
Except, what I know about it so far, I'm pretty unhappy with.
So, I hope once we get past about... early May, it will get a hell of a lot better than what I more or less know how it's going to be up until then.
Actually, I hope it's not at all what I expect, and it's a lot better.
But whatever.

Bleh... I want to go back in time.
I like it there better because I already know what's going to happen and it's fun.
None of this "responsibility" shit.

Today I felt:
This colour.